This did not go according to plan thusfar. Now it has been over 3 months since I have written. I have spent much time alone, checked out. Also overwhelmed by the responsibility I hold, though I never thought I chose it. I believed in taking a job at a cooperative, there would be less burden of being a business owner or a boss - I was wrong. I believed in remaining unmarried and living alone, I would have endless freedom, yet I have relationships and they imply responsibility. Closeness to a child implies responsibility. I have, indeed, chosen that.
My baby sister is in her late thirties, yet these last few years have given me the sense that she is my kid to watch over. Though she is grown and strong, she has endured cancer treatment, side effects that continue and will last indefinitely, and now divorce. We do not have a mother, nor grandmother to hold us in these challenges. So I take her and her daughter as mine.
This week I have been rendered motionless by the weight of what I have adopted as "my responsibility". Not sure how to proceed. Wishing for engaged parents, even though I have recently made the transition to age 40. There were no presents, except those to myself. I inherited a bit of money upon my mom's death, and use it to buy myself some little things each year - lots of warm socks, long underwear, a sweater.
I didn't plan to write today and am uninspired to continue. I suppose I was just checking to see that this blog was still here, in spite of my absence. I will try to revisit soon. Perhaps I need to set the ground rules for myself and this writing project.
