My energy has swelled along with the the emergence of all the new vegetation, a spring that lasted a moment and has already turned into summer and soothing, expanding heat. Music is coming out in all directions (there are 12 according to a friend today), as piano competence grows and singing is part of everyday walks and showers and cooking sessions. My voice is more and more recognizable to me. The music is its own yoga, it sounds and feels and reverberates best when I am in a state of relative truthfulness, when I am not tense, when thoughts can take the back seat.
Now I have had two dates, or rather dates with two different men. The Other of the original date continues to engage and retract, with very narrow windows of time. Hot/cold. Confusion. I sit with accepting what is given and not asking for more than one can offer. He lives a transparent life, but there is a thick wall around his heart, it is not offered, despite the vow to joy. I protest that joy cannot be without a heart open to exchanging love with others, with the world.
The date with the second man was a great lesson in relativity. Tables turned, he the more interested party this time. Observing myself in a new way after that. But I am not ashamed of my attempts to know the Other ( well, occasionally...), I have been honest and kind and thoughtful and giving in small ways that I think will be easy for him to accept without fear of me being too attached.
This week brought an amazing piano session, a small road trip to a business meeting with lovely strangers, a few hours at the beach throwing a stick to a new friend named Butterscotch and polishing rough skin with the sand. The date, a near-death experience. All that in 48 hours. It is astounding how much can take place when one is active.
Followed by a 10 hour sleep session, a well-met challenge of a yoga class, a sunset watched in full from a floating pier on the lake. Girl time with sister/niece/friends. And inspiration from a woman doing a job that involves some of my dreams, meeting her creating a possibility of new work for me. Full! Wonderful week. Friday morning, my chest felt full of happiness, tears streamed for a couple hours of wonder and fascination and gratitude for it all.
Our garden has been planted and many sprouts are already poking out, despite the late start. It's more casual this year. Between yoga practice ( which has made my body a different shape and more fit than in my whole life prior!), piano, kayaking in my new boat, just never wanting to come inside from lovely weather, work, family and friends, I am full. So full I barely take time to think about eating. Yet I am longing for some affection with a man.
And still I think of the first man, the unattainable one, and wait for his next contact rather than proactively just saying to him what is on my mind. He offers little opportunity for me to do so (I have obviously already given myself away in saying too much to him regarding other things). I find myself so cautious with speaking to him, I can sense he will run away if I cross the line. For now, he is still a bit interested, so I hold all my questions and comments until I am nearly bursting with wanting to share with him.
I am using my other outlets better than ever, though, people who already love me!!! and I don't need to convince of anything. Remember that! Remember!
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Long time, no blog. I couldn't do justice to summarizing the last year and a half, but things have happened and changed, for the best in many ways. So a bit of it first, assuming then I can get into some more "in the now" posts if and when I return here soon.
I've had only one date in this time. I have transformed and let go much anger. I have had humbling visits with a revered teacher. Tons of time in Nature last spring through fall - the most rejuvenating times of all for me. Tended a fruitful garden. Took a break from emergencies, have not been "on call" for well over a year now. Spent more time relating, more doing, less thinking.
But also had a pretty stagnant late fall/winter, holed up in extreme cold. Inert. In retrospect, with no regret, I stored up a lot of energy that sprang forth late January and has continued as a rush of action and enthusiasm for four months or so now. It's very different than ever before. Active in a very balanced way. Overthinking has been largely deactivated.
One large contributing factor has been taking a chance on a new friendship with someone quite separate from my day-to-day. It began as a random meeting of strangers who couldn't even really make a first impression based on appearance, as it was below zero. But the gorgeous event was a stranger extending an opening to another (me!) to just meet, drink, encounter. I was mid discussion with a dear friend, walking together and talking about how I should say "Yes!" more. But I said no! initially. Then regretted it and sent out a Yes! message about a week later. (My "shyness" is not a useful tool - just fear!)
With no discussion beforehand, just a quick call to arrange a time, a glass of wine was arranged for, but this turned into several, and a very unusual "date" between two people, who upon first meeting, did not seem to like one another very much. We were both defensive of our positions, which appeared to be quite opposite on the big socially-usual discussions on religion, politics, money...We were both very confident in our ways and each believed he was correct.
The discomfort gave way to drunkenness and physical grasping. Then it was over, and I think we both regretted it.
Yet, a few months later, we are still dipping a toe into getting to know this Other. It has been an adventure in attraction and repulsion, in judgement and acceptance, in talking to strangers. In trying to be honest with someone new. Trying to be myself unapologetically. He has been an example and inspiration in that - at least by all appearances he is certain, confident, exuberant, detached. But there have been openings to that below the surface, revealing vulnerabilities and fear. Commonality. A tender core.
Being around someone so different than my usual has shown me things that I would like to tweak in myself, ways that I might shift a bit. Inspiration to new adventures. Also, it has intrigued me so much to explore this all that I have been able to reconnect with music in a way that I had not for years. So, a creative outlet coincided with connection to this new being in my radius. And the energy stirred up by it all has also brought me into my body, and the physical practice of yoga has transformed my outer shell in amazing ways.
to be continued...
I've had only one date in this time. I have transformed and let go much anger. I have had humbling visits with a revered teacher. Tons of time in Nature last spring through fall - the most rejuvenating times of all for me. Tended a fruitful garden. Took a break from emergencies, have not been "on call" for well over a year now. Spent more time relating, more doing, less thinking.
But also had a pretty stagnant late fall/winter, holed up in extreme cold. Inert. In retrospect, with no regret, I stored up a lot of energy that sprang forth late January and has continued as a rush of action and enthusiasm for four months or so now. It's very different than ever before. Active in a very balanced way. Overthinking has been largely deactivated.
One large contributing factor has been taking a chance on a new friendship with someone quite separate from my day-to-day. It began as a random meeting of strangers who couldn't even really make a first impression based on appearance, as it was below zero. But the gorgeous event was a stranger extending an opening to another (me!) to just meet, drink, encounter. I was mid discussion with a dear friend, walking together and talking about how I should say "Yes!" more. But I said no! initially. Then regretted it and sent out a Yes! message about a week later. (My "shyness" is not a useful tool - just fear!)
With no discussion beforehand, just a quick call to arrange a time, a glass of wine was arranged for, but this turned into several, and a very unusual "date" between two people, who upon first meeting, did not seem to like one another very much. We were both defensive of our positions, which appeared to be quite opposite on the big socially-usual discussions on religion, politics, money...We were both very confident in our ways and each believed he was correct.
The discomfort gave way to drunkenness and physical grasping. Then it was over, and I think we both regretted it.
Yet, a few months later, we are still dipping a toe into getting to know this Other. It has been an adventure in attraction and repulsion, in judgement and acceptance, in talking to strangers. In trying to be honest with someone new. Trying to be myself unapologetically. He has been an example and inspiration in that - at least by all appearances he is certain, confident, exuberant, detached. But there have been openings to that below the surface, revealing vulnerabilities and fear. Commonality. A tender core.
Being around someone so different than my usual has shown me things that I would like to tweak in myself, ways that I might shift a bit. Inspiration to new adventures. Also, it has intrigued me so much to explore this all that I have been able to reconnect with music in a way that I had not for years. So, a creative outlet coincided with connection to this new being in my radius. And the energy stirred up by it all has also brought me into my body, and the physical practice of yoga has transformed my outer shell in amazing ways.
to be continued...
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