My energy has swelled along with the the emergence of all the new vegetation, a spring that lasted a moment and has already turned into summer and soothing, expanding heat. Music is coming out in all directions (there are 12 according to a friend today), as piano competence grows and singing is part of everyday walks and showers and cooking sessions. My voice is more and more recognizable to me. The music is its own yoga, it sounds and feels and reverberates best when I am in a state of relative truthfulness, when I am not tense, when thoughts can take the back seat.
Now I have had two dates, or rather dates with two different men. The Other of the original date continues to engage and retract, with very narrow windows of time. Hot/cold. Confusion. I sit with accepting what is given and not asking for more than one can offer. He lives a transparent life, but there is a thick wall around his heart, it is not offered, despite the vow to joy. I protest that joy cannot be without a heart open to exchanging love with others, with the world.
The date with the second man was a great lesson in relativity. Tables turned, he the more interested party this time. Observing myself in a new way after that. But I am not ashamed of my attempts to know the Other ( well, occasionally...), I have been honest and kind and thoughtful and giving in small ways that I think will be easy for him to accept without fear of me being too attached.
This week brought an amazing piano session, a small road trip to a business meeting with lovely strangers, a few hours at the beach throwing a stick to a new friend named Butterscotch and polishing rough skin with the sand. The date, a near-death experience. All that in 48 hours. It is astounding how much can take place when one is active.
Followed by a 10 hour sleep session, a well-met challenge of a yoga class, a sunset watched in full from a floating pier on the lake. Girl time with sister/niece/friends. And inspiration from a woman doing a job that involves some of my dreams, meeting her creating a possibility of new work for me. Full! Wonderful week. Friday morning, my chest felt full of happiness, tears streamed for a couple hours of wonder and fascination and gratitude for it all.
Our garden has been planted and many sprouts are already poking out, despite the late start. It's more casual this year. Between yoga practice ( which has made my body a different shape and more fit than in my whole life prior!), piano, kayaking in my new boat, just never wanting to come inside from lovely weather, work, family and friends, I am full. So full I barely take time to think about eating. Yet I am longing for some affection with a man.
And still I think of the first man, the unattainable one, and wait for his next contact rather than proactively just saying to him what is on my mind. He offers little opportunity for me to do so (I have obviously already given myself away in saying too much to him regarding other things). I find myself so cautious with speaking to him, I can sense he will run away if I cross the line. For now, he is still a bit interested, so I hold all my questions and comments until I am nearly bursting with wanting to share with him.
I am using my other outlets better than ever, though, people who already love me!!! and I don't need to convince of anything. Remember that! Remember!
