The last few days have held much practice in civil debate. I am fortunate to have very experienced, reasonable examples around me as I try to play my part in collective decision-making and policy-setting. We all keep our self-interests in mind as we attempt to serve the bigger picture. Biases emerge through the debate, they tend to be pretty predictable. Self-interest, some might say survival instincts, tend to kick in.
I was caught not fully listening. Deciding my opinion before hearing out one speaker. She called me on it and I then listened and found I could agree on her good idea in theory, though the details would need working on. We made good progress, with no name calling, no accusations, and in the end we have an action plan. Exhausting, but satisfying work that helps me personally in not getting caught up in my feelings.
Today also brought a couple of lovely moments of connection of glances and sharing of smiles with strangers, one man on a bicycle during my walk to work, with each of us doing a couple of double-takes. The other with a construction worker during my walk home, again with the double-takes.
On another topic, I found out today that no cancer was found and once again I am maybe ok. For now.
Brought home a bounty of local Brussels sprouts, tiny potatoes, kale, zucchini, and green onions. And some teeny sweet plums that just glowed.
The house is quiet. I have washed sinks full of dishes this week, as I am cooking great meals for myself. At least I get the bare minimum of chores done. Next, to tackle the thinning of belongings and the cleaning all the corners out.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
the door to a new room
A week or so ago, that converter box that got hooked up to the TV at the transition to digital times burned itself out of commission. It still had power, but no longer function. What I am left with is more silence. No TV for days, not even a moment to check the forecast. It has been a respite from news, from noise. It has been about 9 months since my last intentional media break. It has been about that long since my relationship of 13?-plus years took a break, or ended, when I asked him to move out. Yes, he still has a key. Yes, he lives around the block and is still here often. But we have been platonic, and living separate lives, with just an occasional shared meal or walk, like old friends do. We check in on one another and try to be encouraging. We listen and let the other dump complaints of the day to a degree. But when it is not serving us, we just stop and take a break.
I know how much I have used that box to drown out the silence that can push me to look inside, at my true mirror. But this tangible lack of noise was a very loud reminder of the squandering of precious moments. I have been scared. This change in relationship has brought up the "who am I?" without focus on a partner question. There have been very few windows for this inquiry in my life. I have kept the dance card busy.
I have enjoyed this additional room in my house, the space not filled with sound and picture. I got some things done, whittled down some accumulating stacks of information. Some I did not even feign to read, just moved them out. It was my intention 9 months ago, when this space became mine alone again, to clear and reset the whole apartment, to prove that it was just mine now. But that, too, is a task I have always shied away from. What is my living space like if I am not sharing it? What do I want it to be? Thusfar, it has just been in limbo, though a new rug came in and a few unused items have been donated. But it is still essentially the same as when it was "our" space. I am sensing some energy to shift that.
This morning, on the road, scanning the radio dial, I passed a religious radio station with a snippet that stuck for the day. Basically, the voice-over pointed out that when one has company coming, one cleans house at a whole new level than allowing the day to day accumulated mess. So he posed the query: "How would you clean house if Jesus were coming to visit?" I generally think instead about how my behavior would vary if I were always being watched, but the message is the same, and it's useful for today. (The wavy line of spellchecking has underlined behavior...)
I know how much I have used that box to drown out the silence that can push me to look inside, at my true mirror. But this tangible lack of noise was a very loud reminder of the squandering of precious moments. I have been scared. This change in relationship has brought up the "who am I?" without focus on a partner question. There have been very few windows for this inquiry in my life. I have kept the dance card busy.
I have enjoyed this additional room in my house, the space not filled with sound and picture. I got some things done, whittled down some accumulating stacks of information. Some I did not even feign to read, just moved them out. It was my intention 9 months ago, when this space became mine alone again, to clear and reset the whole apartment, to prove that it was just mine now. But that, too, is a task I have always shied away from. What is my living space like if I am not sharing it? What do I want it to be? Thusfar, it has just been in limbo, though a new rug came in and a few unused items have been donated. But it is still essentially the same as when it was "our" space. I am sensing some energy to shift that.
This morning, on the road, scanning the radio dial, I passed a religious radio station with a snippet that stuck for the day. Basically, the voice-over pointed out that when one has company coming, one cleans house at a whole new level than allowing the day to day accumulated mess. So he posed the query: "How would you clean house if Jesus were coming to visit?" I generally think instead about how my behavior would vary if I were always being watched, but the message is the same, and it's useful for today. (The wavy line of spellchecking has underlined behavior...)
an entrance
Today is the day to begin something. Will it be of use? Will I become stronger, smarter, clearer, more truthful, more myself in the process? I hope.
I was ridiculous this morning. I dressed to try to please others, drove to try to encounter others, just all around too much trying, not enough being. I was ashamed for even thinking about it, ashamed when I did the same thing last week, but went through with it anyway. How many times do I need to reproach my own foolishness before I learn this lesson? This has gone on for years, for decades. I could help myself, I am not completely unconscious in acting this way. I know I do it. But I need more repetition, more smacks on the nose, before it sinks in.
So today, I tried to witness this fool in action the best I could. I did OK. Got it over with, and it only took a couple of hours in which I otherwise would have stayed home listening to Sunday pundits. And then I started a blog, with no particular goal or plan or theme. Just gonna run with it, see what comes out. See if I can write more truthfully than I can act. See if the anonymity will allow the veneer to fall.
Lately all the ways in which I spend my time seem equally pointless, except for the essentials: eating, sleeping, breathing! If I could just lose the rest of the act and just be ok with doing those things that must be done. Lose the restaurant eating and making of plans and going places and formulating the stories to tell at work the next day. Ambition, in the conventional sense, is ridiculous to me right now.
Perhaps it is the recent losses of life, the illnesses with short prognoses that cause the sense of futility that is with me of late. Mind you, I am not depressed or melancholy about it. What used to inspire a bit more carpe diem in me now just leads to a flatter sense of every action, unless truly done thinking of God or Truth, as being equal to any other action. Leaving me at a crossroads unable to think of anything worthy to do. Except practice breathing, to honor this vessel I was born into, to try to use it as efficiently as possible.
Spent a lot of time working on remembering to breathe yesterday. Whilst walking and listening to music simultaneously. Again, passing grade, room for improvement. Later, what the hell?, why not go to that party? Normally I do not go to parties. But this laissez faire attitude took me to a party without much facade on. And I enjoyed it, and laughed and ate sweets and drank beer and stayed til midnight. The fruits of a day of good inspiration?
I was ridiculous this morning. I dressed to try to please others, drove to try to encounter others, just all around too much trying, not enough being. I was ashamed for even thinking about it, ashamed when I did the same thing last week, but went through with it anyway. How many times do I need to reproach my own foolishness before I learn this lesson? This has gone on for years, for decades. I could help myself, I am not completely unconscious in acting this way. I know I do it. But I need more repetition, more smacks on the nose, before it sinks in.
So today, I tried to witness this fool in action the best I could. I did OK. Got it over with, and it only took a couple of hours in which I otherwise would have stayed home listening to Sunday pundits. And then I started a blog, with no particular goal or plan or theme. Just gonna run with it, see what comes out. See if I can write more truthfully than I can act. See if the anonymity will allow the veneer to fall.
Lately all the ways in which I spend my time seem equally pointless, except for the essentials: eating, sleeping, breathing! If I could just lose the rest of the act and just be ok with doing those things that must be done. Lose the restaurant eating and making of plans and going places and formulating the stories to tell at work the next day. Ambition, in the conventional sense, is ridiculous to me right now.
Perhaps it is the recent losses of life, the illnesses with short prognoses that cause the sense of futility that is with me of late. Mind you, I am not depressed or melancholy about it. What used to inspire a bit more carpe diem in me now just leads to a flatter sense of every action, unless truly done thinking of God or Truth, as being equal to any other action. Leaving me at a crossroads unable to think of anything worthy to do. Except practice breathing, to honor this vessel I was born into, to try to use it as efficiently as possible.
Spent a lot of time working on remembering to breathe yesterday. Whilst walking and listening to music simultaneously. Again, passing grade, room for improvement. Later, what the hell?, why not go to that party? Normally I do not go to parties. But this laissez faire attitude took me to a party without much facade on. And I enjoyed it, and laughed and ate sweets and drank beer and stayed til midnight. The fruits of a day of good inspiration?
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