an entrance

Today is the day to begin something. Will it be of use? Will I become stronger, smarter, clearer, more truthful, more myself in the process? I hope.

I was ridiculous this morning. I dressed to try to please others, drove to try to encounter others, just all around too much trying, not enough being. I was ashamed for even thinking about it, ashamed when I did the same thing last week, but went through with it anyway. How many times do I need to reproach my own foolishness before I learn this lesson? This has gone on for years, for decades. I could help myself, I am not completely unconscious in acting this way. I know I do it. But I need more repetition, more smacks on the nose, before it sinks in.

So today, I tried to witness this fool in action the best I could. I did OK. Got it over with, and it only took a couple of hours in which I otherwise would have stayed home listening to Sunday pundits. And then I started a blog, with no particular goal or plan or theme. Just gonna run with it, see what comes out. See if I can write more truthfully than I can act. See if the anonymity will allow the veneer to fall.

Lately all the ways in which I spend my time seem equally pointless, except for the essentials: eating, sleeping, breathing! If I could just lose the rest of the act and just be ok with doing those things that must be done. Lose the restaurant eating and making of plans and going places and formulating the stories to tell at work the next day. Ambition, in the conventional sense, is ridiculous to me right now.

Perhaps it is the recent losses of life, the illnesses with short prognoses that cause the sense of futility that is with me of late. Mind you, I am not depressed or melancholy about it. What used to inspire a bit more carpe diem in me now just leads to a flatter sense of every action, unless truly done thinking of God or Truth, as being equal to any other action. Leaving me at a crossroads unable to think of anything worthy to do. Except practice breathing, to honor this vessel I was born into, to try to use it as efficiently as possible.

Spent a lot of time working on remembering to breathe yesterday. Whilst walking and listening to music simultaneously. Again, passing grade, room for improvement. Later, what the hell?, why not go to that party? Normally I do not go to parties. But this laissez faire attitude took me to a party without much facade on. And I enjoyed it, and laughed and ate sweets and drank beer and stayed til midnight. The fruits of a day of good inspiration?